How the Germans saved Eurovision

I thought I’d return to the Eurovision Song Contest as I promised last May. The 2006 contest was entertaining, but as they have been for a long while now the Germans were underappreciated in my opinion. It’s the Germans who have saved Eurovision.

Guildo Horn being a superhero

Voting-wise there’s not a lot of hope for the coming contest. There’ll be the usual claims of the Balkan states acting as a bloc to vote each other into the final. The reason for this is the Greece-Cyprus axis. The usual defence that the broadcasters from the two countries offer is that it’s simply that they share the same language, and if Turkey were to enter a Greek song then there’s every chance Cyprus would give twelve points to them. This theory has been tested. Greece entered a dirge, mainly in English into the contest recently and it still got twelve points from Cyprus. There have been some great songs from Greece, but only the band’s mothers – and the Cypriots could say S.A.G.A.P.O. was one of them. What Greece and Cyprus do isn’t different to many other votes cast. It’s simply they were the first to eliminate talent from the voting process and they’re the best at it. The politics aren’t simplistic. A large number of Croatians probably wouldn’t feel that a victory for Serbia was also a victory for them. One reason why they do do so well could be the political sympathies of the minorities in the countries. Hence the strong vote for Russia from the ex-USSR states. There are riots over the politics of memorials between Estonians and Russians in Estonia at the moment. An awful lot of Estonian are not fans of Russia, but equally many people living there almost certainly identify themselves as Russians rather than Estonian. You’ll see this in the votes. Equally you can also watch for the votes for Turkey from Germany. Eurovision voting is in part a census of minority ethnicities in Europe.

There is also the matter than many of the microstates share common history and culture. Quite simply they’re more likely to share musical tastes. If the Home Nations entered their own entries then they would be likely to vote for each other simply because it would reflect the kind of music we listen to here. What then can you do?

The UK tactic is to enter something awful and then sulk when no-one votes for it. This year the British voted for Scooch with Flying the Flag. How that happened I’ve no idea. I would have thought it would have been disqualified under the cruel and unusual punishment clause.

The Germans have been much more canny. The British pretend not to take the contest seriously. The Germans plainly don’t (giving away your plan to rig the contest by sending a few dozen people across the border is genius) and decide to have a good time instead. So you get entries like Guildo hat euch Leib or Stefan Raab’s Wadde Hadde Dudde Da? (What have you got there? We never find out). The latter is not only a profound question for our times but also features cowboy hats. It’s hard not to have fun in a cowboy hat. Last year’s entry Texas Lightning No No Never used the gimmick of having musicians who could play and a singer who sang in tune. Oh, and they had Cowboy hats too. This year’s entry Roger Cicero’s Frauen regier’n die Welt (Women rule the World) is a similarly offbeat entry with interesting haberdashery. I’m willing to admit the song moves me, even if it’s only into the kitchen to make a cup of tea. Nonetheless it’s different and the guy is talented. It might not get the votes it deserves, all the big countries are all struggling, but it seems more fun than the UK entry.

It’s no good me trying to predict the result. I did think that if there were any justice the UK entry would be the first to get a negative score. Three of the four favourites, the entries from Serbia, Belarus and Sweden are nothing special. In contrast the other favourite from the Ukraine has a singer who wears the hat of a winner. Who couldn’t love techno-accordion music?